Why

Why?

That is a question I constantly ask myself. Why do I have cancer? Why was I chosen to walk this rough path? Why do I have to fight so hard to live? Why do innocent people get this disease?

I know I won't ever get any answers but I just don't know why it happened to me or why it happens to anyone. This disease is constantly on my mind. I wish more than anything that I could just forget about it and not have to worry anymore. I don't want to be sick anymore. I don't want to wonder if the chemo is working or not. I don't want to wonder if what we are doing is enough or the right thing? Should I be doing something else to fight this?

I am so ready for our wedding day. But of course me being sick is always in the back of my mind. What if the next round of chemo really kicks my butt and I'm too sick to make it to our wedding. Or if I do make it, what if I can't enjoy the day to the fullest because I don't feel good. What if I feel bad and can't enjoy our honeymoon?

I am just so frustrated with everything right now. This is my last free week before my next round of chemo and I was just wanting to feel good and today hasn't been a great start to the week. I just hope the next few days get better so I can enjoy them.

On a side note. I got an MRI two weeks ago and everything in the brain looked good. So that was a relief.

Love,
Jeryka

Starting over

I didn't get as lucky as I did last chemo treatment. My hair started really coming out this weekend. I didn't wash it hoping I wouldn't lose any more than I already had but I woke up this morning and it was pretty patching. So before I went in to get an MRI, Kyle shaved my hair off. It was depressing because I had finally had a decent amount of hair and I was actually starting to like it. Now I got to start over and what really bothers me is not having hair to do for our wedding in a month. But on a positive note, maybe this means the chemo is actually working this time and I will get to sleep in longer since I won't have to worry about doing my hair.



This pile is a lot smaller than my first pile!



This Thursday will start round 2. I will get to do treatment here in Manhattan so that will be nice to stay close to home and not have to travel.

Love,
Jeryka

Blank

I'm gonna try this blog again. I have started two times but couldn't finish. Now that I have my feelings some what under control I can share with everyone what is going on.

Kyle and I flew down to Houston last Tuesday night. This was suppose to be a routine 3 month check up with the oncologist. I had my CT scan Wednesday. Which took forever to actually get it done and it didn't help that the lights went off while we were waiting (me being me, I was scared that was a sign). Thursday was the day I saw the doctor. Of course she was late but now I wish she wouldn't have even showed up......

The results we got were not what we were looking for. Th CT scan showed that the spot in the liver had grown from 1.2 cm to 2.8 cm and there were spots in the lungs that were bigger from the scans done at the end of June......

I was speechless. I wanted to go back to bed, wake up and start the day over again, only with better news. How could there be anything left in my body after the horrible rounds of chemo I just finished. I just didn't understand. I still don't understand this. 

Once again the doctor reminded me that I am a very rare case (I have mixed feelings about this). She gave us two chemo options to do. We chose the one she felt was the most aggressive but she wanted to admit me into the hospital down there to get this chemo. 

We got out of her office around 9. Went to admissions to get admitted and they told us we had to wait until someone was discharged. So we waited and waited. Drove around Houston, went back to the hotel, watched tv, ate, and oh yeah, waited some more. I was ready to just get on a plane and fly home. I was finally admitted at 10:30 that night, over 12 hours later.

Surely they wouldn't start anything that late.... I was wrong. They put a picc line in my arm since my port had to be removed. Which only took about an hour. Premeds were started around 3 and then chemo was started around 3:30am. The first chemo which is call IFex would be administered for 4 days at 3 hours a day. The second chemo is called Doxorubicin and would be give 3 days in a row going for 12 hours each day.

Let's just say that was a long four days in a hospital bed. I was able to get up and walk around but most of the time I just wanted to stay in bed. My energy level was low and there were times I didn't feel great. 

I finally got discharged on Monday around 5pm. Kyle had to go to two classes on how to take care of my picc line. Then he had to clean it, change the bandage and flush it while a nurse watched him. They wouldn't discharge me until he passed the test! We were suppose to fly out at 6:30 but didn't make that flight. We got on the 7:00 one with a stop in Dallas. We got to KC an hour and half late because the plane from Dallas to KC had something wrong with the navigation. The best text I got about that was from my BFF Sarah, "well I guess you don't want to end up in Indiana!" At this point I didn't care where I ended up as long as it wasn't in Houston or a hospital. 

When we got to KC I was feeling fine. Tired but I could handle that. I was excited because that would mean I would feel even better on Tuesday and would be able to go on with the week. That was wronge. Tuesday was a struggle. I had no energy, felt sick, my head was cloudy and I was really upset at this situation. I tried to go to practice but only made it two hours before needing to come home. I am so glad I have people in my life that will listen and let me cry when I need to.  One of my parents finally saw me lose it as I was leaving the gym. All she did was ask how I was feeling. That was all I needed to hear at that time and I lost it. I don't like to show my emotions around the girls. I don't want to worry them. If they see me upset or worried then they would get that way and they don't deserve to have that on their minds. 

I'm at a point in this fight that I really wonder if what we are doing is the right thing. Is going through chemo really going to get rid of everything? Is there something we are missing or not doing that we should be doing? Should I go get another opinion? Why isn't the chemo working? Do I want to go through this all over again? Why does it keep coming back? Am I going to lose my hair again after I worked so hard to get it back? How am I suppose to plan a wedding when I am in a hospital bed for four straight days and have no energy to get out? All of these questions plus a thousand more are all what was through my mind since getting the news. And Tuesday night I had had enought and broke down. I lost it but luckily I have some very special people in my life that allow me to break down and they help pick up all the pieces. They put everything back into prespective and got me back on track.

Wednesday was 100 times better. The morning was a little rough but as I got the day started everything got better. We got to see Dr. Koeneke this afternoon and he answered all of our questions. He really makes me feel at ease with everything. He takes the time to listen and answer questions we may have. We asked him about going up to Ohio to get a second opinion from the University and he was all for that (thank you Samantha and Jeg!). He also told us that more than likely they could administer the chemo up here. Which means we won't have to travel down to Houston every 3 weeks like the doctor down there was wanting us to do. He is also setting up an appointment to get a port put back in, which means I can get this dang picc line out (it's pretty annoying and a lot of work). 

Every hour in the day got better. My energy was up and I didn't feel sick at all. I made it through the whole practice with the girls and they even got to try on their new leotards for this season!

Thank you to everyone that has called, text, or sent me a message. Your thoughts and prayers really mean a lot. I love you all!

Thank you to Joey Keith who made a trip down to Houston to sit with us during the first day of treatment. 

Love,

Jeryka

Nervous

I am starting to get real nervous about my check up next week. I have a CT scan on Wednesday morning and then I will see the doctor Thursday morning to get the results. I know I can't start worrying before I actually get results but how can I not worry about this. I am scared they are going to find something and make me do chemo again. I don't know what I would do if that was the case. The last round of chemo was horrible and I just can't see myself having to go through that all over again. I am trying hard to keep a positive mindset but at times it gets real hard. Everything has been going great and I just don't want that to stop. I have been busy with work, wedding planning and a little racing so that has helped keep my mind from wondering.



Abby, Angel and Sherman (my pets) sent my flowers at work.
Mom had sent me flowers last week also but I didn't get a picture of them.

 

Dad is so excited that he got all 3 dragsters and the S-11 to fit in the trailer. Don't worry its safe!

That is my car that gets to ride all the way up there!

This kid is crazy but love him to death. He got to hang out all weekend with us at the races.

At two weeks old these little guys made their first appearance at the race track.

National Gymnastics Day was Sept. 21st.

Abigail being my backseat driver.





I am wanting to send out some prayers for a couple of people I know from the race track as they are going through some health issues. I am thinking of both of you.

 

Love,

Jeryka

 





Picture update



Here are some pictures from the last month or so. Everything is going great. I have been feeling good and my hair is coming in nicely. I will return to Houston the beginning of October for a check up.

 



The S-11 broke a rocker in Nobel.



We had to push two of the three race cars into the trailer at the end of the weekend.

Kyle won super street at the Topeka division race!

Abigail is ready to race!

I can finally get my hair into a ponytail!

My sister in law gave birth to these two perfect babies. They were born on Sept. 6th and are doing great. Mom and babies got to go home on Sunday.

Kaden James

Carter John

Jacks with baby Kaden

Haylee, Blake and Cate meeting Carter and Kaden for the first time

The twins with the twins!

This is how Jackson wanted to take a picture. With a finger up his nose!

Love,
Jeryka

One state to the next

We got back from Iowa on Monday morning about 1am. The weekend didn't end up being too bad after a rough start on Saturday. I made a lot of runs but didn't really turn on a whole lot of win lights. Dad ended up winning the super quick dragster side and then lost in the run off. Kyle won super pro but then also lost the run off. Over all not a horrible weekend.

Tuesday morning Pam, Tera and I left for Hartford, CT. This would be the first time in a long time that I have flown somewhere that didn't involve doctor's appointments or getting stuck with a needle, so I was going to enjoy the trip.

The lady at Starbucks almost got my name right!

 

 

Our flight out of KC was delayed an hour so when we got to Chicago we just went straight to the next plane and boarded. No time wasted in that airport. We got into Hartford around 4:30 with no problems, checked into the hotel and went exploring for a little bit.

I have been in a lot of planes in the last year, but not one this new and fancy.

It was an 800 series!

The view from our hotel room

 

Tumble Street

 

Gymnastics being representing all over town

While we were eating dinner coach Chow (he was Shawn Johnsons and Gabby Douglas' coach) came into the same restaurant to have dinner. As we were leaving Pam stopped so I could get a picture with him. I got to thank him for the letter and t-shirt he had sent me earlier this year wishing me good luck with my journey. He has got to be the nicest and happiest person I have ever met.

Chow and I!

 

I am going to enjoy this week and try to learn a lot before having to make a quick trip to Houston for a check up on Sunday.

 

Love,

Jeryka

Summer's end

Where has the summer gone?

A couple of weeks ago I went and saw Dr. Bell, the radiologist here in Manhattan to discuss what we should do as far as full brain radiation. My oncologist down in Houston thought I should see about getting full brain since I was done with chemo but the radiologist that did the Gamma Knife felt we should just use full brain when we need it since we can only use it one time. So we were just confused on what the best plan would be. Should I do full brain now just as precautionary and then we wouldn't have that option if something showed up later down the road. Or should I go ahead a wait, get MRI's every 2-3 months and use it if something shows up sometime. Right now I am going to wait. I have an MRI scheduled for August 18th. I am hoping there is nothing there and we won't have to worry about radiation right now.

I have been feeling great since I have been free of chemo. Everyday gets better and my energy level goes up each day. I will repeat scans, do blood work and see my oncologist in October. So I am somewhat free from appointments for a couple of months.

This coming up week is the last week of summer practice for the girls. They have been working hard (most of the time) and will get a week off before we start our school year schedule. I will miss morning practices because we can get a lot done when its just team in the gym but I won't miss having to get up early! Next week I will be going to Hartford, CT for National Congress and gymnastics championships. Congress is 3 days full of classes about coaching gymnastics and running a gymnastics business. I am really looking forward to going since I wasn't able to go last year. 

This last weekend we got to throw a baby shower for Lauren and the twin boys who have been trying to join us recently. She is now 31 weeks and doing everything she can to keep the boys in for a little bit longer. After the shower my sister, mom and Sarah got to go wedding shopping. I was reminded the other day that I have under 4 months left before our wedding day so its time to start putting things together and marking stuff off the to-do list. I am so lucky to have a great group of ladies helping out with the planning and decorating.

I got to wheel the wagon at the door car only race in Benton IL

Racing the S-11 in Benton

My sister, Haley (Lauren's sister) and I rubbing the baby bump!

My new Hope tattoo.

Hope everyone is having a great summer.

Love,
Jeryka