Missing out

So this weekend is our first gymnastics meet of the season, which I am pretty excited about. But what I'm not excited about is that I will be laying in a hospital bed all weekend for round 4 of chemo and won't get to see the girl's hard work pay off. This is going to be extremely hard for me. I want nothing more than to be there with them during their first meet. I'm not going to be able to help calm their nerves, give them last minute corrections or give them a hug after they do an awesome routine. These kids mean the world to me and I just want to be there for them. Tonight after practice was extremely difficult. It was so hard looking at the girls as I was giving them last minute advice because I could see the disappointment on their faces and it killed me. I couldn't let them know I was hurting inside so I held back the tears as we said good bye. I want them to be strong while I'm gone so I had to put my strong face on even though I didn't feel strong at all. Tonight was also hard because I have a gymnast who is struggling and there is nothing I can do for her before the meet. I can't help her work through her mental block from the hospital and it really bothers me. I just want to fix it for her and make it all better, but I can't. I feel like I am letting her, along with the other gymnast down for not being there for them whee they need me the most. It's not fair to them that they have to be put through this battle with me. They shouldn't have to worry about me, they should just be able to focus on doing their routines to the best of their ability.

This round could be my last round. It will all depend on what the scans show this time. After two rounds the spot in the liver shrank a lot from the original scans. If it looks like the chemo is still working I could do up to 2 more rounds. If everything looks stable we may take a break after this one. Since I am tolerating the chemo pretty well, Dr Koeneke would be okay with doing more rounds after this if it looks like it is still doing its job. I haven't been sick at all this time around, it just wears me out and sucks sitting in a bed for 4 days straight with only being able to get up to use the restroom. I take plenty of things to do but I never have the desire to do anything. Last time we took the clock down because it was directly in front of my bed and I couldn't stand watching the time go by so slowly. Last round my hemoglobin levels dropped pretty low so they did a blood transfusion. I was a little worried about this but it went fine other than being done in the middle of the night. I just want to sleep when I'm there but the nurses won't leave me alone no matter what time it is.

The last two weeks were the best. Between getting to marry my best friend and spending a week in Mexico. I got to forget about everything and just have fun.  I think that is why this round of chemo is extremely difficult on me. I went from an extreme high to an extreme low. I am so sick of this thing running my life. I feel like everything revolves around it and I can't just live a normal life. I didn't get to race as much as I would have liked this summer and now I can't go coach my girls at their first meet.

On a brighter note, our wedding was amazing. Everything came together nicely and I had the time of my life. It was so nice to have our families and friends all come together and help us celebrate our special day. The dance floor was rockin' all night long and so was the photo booth! We got a good laugh from the photo album that was put together from the photo booth. I will try to post some pictures from the night real soon.

Love,
Jeryka